Letting the Past Go

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I have always been severely insecure and has always been the center of most of my problems. Today I came accross an exert from a book talking about insecurity, and that everyone has it. Even those who don't seem like they do. This past year has been hard. My insecurities have taken over my life and have taken away all the joy I thought I once had.
I was born the middle child and like most people with 'middle child syndrome' I always craved attention, I was needy whiney picky.. I would do anything to get attention even if the attention I was receiving was negative. . I never felt as a child that I was treated as fairly as my other sisters (now I know this to be false) and was always envious of their successes and compared them to what I didn't have. I was filled with so much jealousy of my sisters that it began to define me. I was constantly comparing myself and trying to measure up to them. Quite honestly I remember telling my mom on several occasions when I was around 8 years old that "you just don't love me as much as you love them". i think back now and try to remember instances that had happened to make me come to this conclusion. I was always in trouble I remember getting in trouble and always feeling bad about myself. I only got in trouble at home though. I got along at school and did very well. I started when I was 3 because I would beg my mom to let me go to school with my sissy. I loved my sisters even though I was so jealous of them. There is something about a sister that is so special and to this day I don't know what I would do without mine. The problem was that I was the "black sheep" of the family. I guess every family has one, but I hated that I was it. I didn't like to be different. I always wanted to fit in and have everyones approval and for everyone to be happy. t as the years went on I felt everything I ever did was wrong. I never felt accepted and I rarely I was the rebellious child. I got in more trouble than all three of my brother and sisters combined. I was always experimenting with things, always trying to fit in and would do pretty much anything to win everyones approval. I was a fantastic actress to say the least. I had everyone fooled... I even got so good that I began believing that I was all of these different characters I was playing. I would go home and be one person, but when I was with my friends I was show they wanted me to be and so on. I was doing anything to gain approval from someone so that I would feel the satisfaction of getting attention and being someone wanted to be like.
As I grew up a lot of changes and things happened that have been essential to who I have become but to make my story short I will say that I was the odd ball of my family out even when I graduated from high school and the only people who cared about, loved or understood me were my friends. My senior year was filled with a lot of regrets that I am not proud of and wish I could erase them from my memory. I had a break down during spring break of my senor year which cased me to make a drastic last minute change to go to an out of state school instead of Auburn where i always wanted to go to. It was an emotional decision for me. I made my decision on how I felt in the moment. I have always been like that and have had a hard time with making emotional decisions and it sometimes makes me feel spontaneous while other times i feel so foolish. Its hard to say the exact emotion I felt when I decided to move four hours away to Ole Miss I had only even visited once and didn't know a single person. I didn't know the town, or the environment. I didn't know the traditions or even what they had to offer, but in an emotional breakdown I decided I needed to start over. I felt in the moment that the best thing to do was to go somewhere where no one knew me and I could finally be happy with my real self.... and maybe actually find out what my true identity was.
The year and a half I lived in Oxford, MS i learned a lot. I grew up as an individual, I discovered what I truly loved and the person I tuly was. I felt complete happiness and finally had my first boyfriend. This is the part of the story I really hate to tell. While I dated Justin I was the happiest I had ever been. I finally had self confidence and truly believed that I was worth something to someone. The year I spent with him was rocky and emotional and since I had never been in a relationship before it was very difficult for me to adjust. Never the less I fell in love with him. I lobed everything about him, but the best thing was that he never put me down. He always knew what to say to life me up. If my mom called with a criticism he would have a positive compliment to throw back and over ride it. I was finally good enough. Then the unexplainable happened that changed me such a bitter horrible way that it will probably affect me my entire life. Justin cheated on me with his ex. An ex who I never knew existed I found out a web of lies and I felt so betrayed. Here I thought I had found the one person who would stand by me and love me (which he never said back to me). He was the one I loved to be with and everytime i heard his name I felt joy rushing through my body. I remember the night I found out like it was yesterday. I didn't cry, or yell or really do anything. I was in a state of tremendous shock that I couldn't react at all. It took me a week to even realize how upset I was. I have never in my life been so upset and felt so worthless. He broke me to pieces and I couldn't pick myself up. All the friends I had I lost. I became suspisious of everyone betraying me. I got to a point to where I couldn't even get out of bed. It sounds crazy and stupid now and its like im one of those psycho girls.. but this was my first relationship, the first time I ever felt cared about. He was my gateway to happiness and it was a good run. Three years later I can finally type this without crying or having an emotional pain circulate through my veins, but it has been a long road for me to get here.
After me and Justin were through and I had been depressed for as long as I could before I wanted to kill myself I made a decision to make my own happiness. I compared myself to people I thought were the happiest and compared myself to them. I came to the conclusion that all my problems revolved around my weight. It was no surprise Ive alsways had weight issues and its been the cause of many breakdowns throughout. But in my mind I decided that if I could get skinny enough Justin would want to take me back and everything would be fine again. That was the start of a lot of problems. I began with a simple diet and increasing exercise. It wasn't long until I realized how fast I could lose weight. It was my obsession. I forgot about school, I forgot about my friends and family and everything else. Everyday revolved around when and what I was going to eat and how much I was going to be able exercise that day. As my weight loss started to slow I decreased the food and increased my exercise. It wasn't until i was working out 4 hours and day and eating no more than 300 calories a day that I starting feeling proud of myself. This was difficult to do and not people would be able to be this commited to doing something. I had more compliments and remarks from more people than ever. It wasn't hard to get away with my crazy routine because i alienated myself from everyone and everything. After two months I had lost 60 pounds. After that I couldn't gain an ounce. I then tried to completly cut my calories out by throwing up if I even had an apple. Although I felt aweful and sick everyday and had absoultly no energy, I was happy. I felt accomplished and I felt that everyone was wrong about me all of these years.
After I lost the weight I specifically set myself up to run into Justin. I played it off so well and next thing I knew he was calling me and asking to come over and wanting to talk about things... blah blah blah. One night he got in his car and drove to my house where he called me and texted for an hour until I came out. He wanted me back, but there was a catch... he wanted his girlfriend too. Since I was willing to settle for any company at the time I decided that if I could just be around him he will eventually chose me over her and my life would be complete.
For about a month we had a secret relationship. I couldn't let people know that i was talking to the boy who cheated on me and now had a girlfriend. I was honestly embarrased to tell anyone. I was lying to everyone trying to cover my tracks, and as horrible and twisted as it sounds, I had found that happiness again.. I no longer starved myself but instead decided to try and maintain.. and for a month everything was good... except I gained 10 pounds back on. Thats when everything spiraled out of control. It was one night when I decided to stay over at his house because it was so late and I was tired. Right when I got ready for bed he went outside to talk on the phone.. it was samantha his girlfriend.. I heard what he told and said to her and it made me cringe... He came back in the room, kissed me and said that he was keeping his phone connected with her so they could listen to eachother sleep. Let me just say I am not stupid, and I know that I brought this on myself. I asked to be hurt again by saying yes in the first place. I cried the entire night as I layed next to him. He never even noticed.
I had to be done with this because he not only made me feel the happiest he also made me feel foolish, crazy, used, betrayed, and feel the worst emotions. I cried more over that boy in a day than i did in a year. The second time seemed different I had other games I played and I still lived my life. But the pain was always there and anywhere I went in that town made me think of him. I decided to transfer to Auburn.
With the move came my eating disorder. It would get severe and then not so severe. It was to a point where it was just normal. But then I got sick, I was passing out having a hard time studying and not sleeping. I looked in the mirror and I looked like I was a dying patient. Everyone started to notice and it was embarrasing. it still is to this day a problem. I have relapsed 4 times and I now have to take a lot of medication to make up for how bad i screwed up my body. Today I started a new exercise and diet plan. This time is different.. I am finally letting the past go and going to start to feel good about myself in a way that is healthy and effective.

Forgiveness: It is so hard

Isn't it amazing how one event in your day can ruin your whole attitude and mood and determine if it is horrible or good. Today has been a horrible day, although it didn't start that way. It started out perfect the sun was up early so I got a workout in early and got to listen to the birds chirping and breath in the fresh air. I was able to be so productive and everything was falling into place. Class even got out early which never happens, so how could this day go wrong. One phone call is all it took. What is amazing to me is that right before this "phone call" I was actually talking to a girl sitting next to me about a bible study group she wanted me to join with her and we discussed Christ and the impact he has had on our lives. The demons were obviously not happy because not two minutes after I walked away did my phone ring. It was my mother. Like a lot of girls I have had problems with my mom and we have not always gotten along. Recently though she has turned into a beast and has been so hateful, judgmental, and out of control. Well to make a long story short she cussed me out, accused me of being a liar, and being the most ungrateful person she has ever known. I was so upset at first but now I am really angry about it. Yes, I was sort of wrong in the situation and I apologized and tried to me christian like, but then she kept on going... Why is it that this had to happen today? Normally when a situation like this happens I would call family members and complain and rant about it. Like I have said before though I am a changed woman. After hanging up the phone with tears in my eyes I bowed my head and prayed for my forgiveness and prayed for her. I am still angry, but I know I will be able to forgive and forget now that Christ is my go to person. I hope that things will get better soon, but they rarely do with her, and I am even considering not going home for Easter and going to a service here by myself instead of with my family. I know it sounds wrong, but I am so hurt by her. How can such a christian woman do this to her daughter? Even through difficult days I find strength through Jesus and in one of my favorite parables: The parable of the unmerciful Servant:

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants." Matthew 18:21-23

Imagine

Imagine a world without God. As I stepped out of my apartment today I was immediately greeted by a warm smile from a friendly neighbor, the sun was glistening and the birds were singing and for a moment I stopped and thanked God for what he has given to us. Though today was a hectic and chaotic day (as most Monday's are) I still found the time to appreciate this beautiful day. Sometimes I find it hard to do. I get so caught up in my own life and wants and forget to take the time to stop and love the world around me, and a lot of times I forget what's important. A lot of times I focus on my grades, getting a job, and how much money I'm going to make in the future, I get so caught up in all the expectations people put on me that I forget that none of it matters in the long run. I don't know of any examples where money makes anyone happy. Sure it makes like easier and at times the luxuries that you can receive from money are quite pleasant. Though happiness is not derived from it, it's more like a band-aid, as I am getting older and becoming less ignorant about how life works and the value of a dollar I know that making a good living is important and there is nothing that is going to stop me from trying to reach my full potential. God knows what will make me happiest, though this may include money or not, and only HE can make me fully fulfilled. I am very imperfect and I have made plenty of bad choices in my life that were selfish and not what God wanted me to do and deep down I knew it wasn't right, but I needed the immediate pleasure and happiness I got from those choices. They say patience is a virtue, and I believe that it is the hardest one for me to get. Now after about four years of poor decisions I have finally figured out that if I just wait, God will give it to me. Can you imagine your life without God? I have no idea what I would do if I hadn't come to the realization that I am not in control of my life. Either God is or Satan is and you have the choice. Yes, I am guilty of so many things that I am ashamed of and wish I could take back, but now that I have given my life BACK to God my life is falling perfectly into place.

Psalm 37:7-9
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm. For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.

Ignorance Is a Bliss

The older I get the more I tend to look back. Back to when things were simpler and easier. As I grow up and begin to blossom into the woman that I hope to someday become I find myself not wanting to. To be honest I am scared. Scared that I won't make the right decisions along the way and afraid that I will suffer like I have for the past years. I feel as though people are so cruel these days, but is it just "these days"? I can remember growing up and not having a care in the world. The worst thing that could happen in a day was that I'd be called a dummy or scrape my knee on the playground. Now I find myself hurt all the time and unhappy with the way my life is. I spend so many hours of the day studying and pleasing people and planning. Is this what my life is going to be? I have always wanted to serve others, but in that is it necessary for me to undergo all these years of school and pressure, and rejection? I used to love going to school, talking with adults, and even going to church. Now I have found that everything I have trusted in the past I have to reconsider my options, because people aren't what they seem. It's really sad that I cannot trust my elementary teacher, because they just got convicted as being a pedophile, or my family member who just committed suicide, which was so unexpected. I have always said that lying is the worst thing someone could do to me, and that the truth is the only thing I want to hear. Is this because for the first years of my life thats all I knew where lies? Santa, Easter-bunny, Tooth-fairy, those are all things children are told to believe in I was also not told things as a child that I am now finding out about my own family. Now all my dreams have started to shatter, my mom isn't who I thought she was, she's not perfect neither are my best friends or anyone I know for that matter. I know nothing will ever change this, but wasn't it nice when everything was done for you, and you were clueless as to how much hurt and horrible stuff out there? I would rather be ignorant than have to deal with the battles that are going on just like I was at my absolute happiest moment.

And It Begins

I am not the type of person to write anything down about my feelings. I never kept a diary for more than two days, and nothing personal is ever written down. I used to dread writing creative writing essays in high school because I was never good at saying what it was I was thinking. My feelings and words don't seem to mesh as I'd like to, and I am also scatter brained as many Americans are. I do not consider myself an extremely deep person and I feel that my business is mine until I share it with someone, or besides who really cares about ME? So you ask, why then start a blog? Hopefully by reading my blogs you can decide for yourself why I chose to being putting my life into words...

I have lived an enchanting life. Pretty much everything has been handed to me. In the past 21 years I have been blessed with a great family, amazing friends, necessities, and of course many luxuries. I have an incredible passion for my future career, and I know I have been placed on earth to help and serve others. Unfortunately though, I have only recently discovered this.

Like everyone else I have had my ups and downs and the past couple of years have been a roller-coaster of them. I could tell you my life story but that would take too long and be way to unimportant. I am not the same person I was before. I started my life over about two years ago, and since then I have had my slip ups and I have resorted to my past ways, but now I am a stronger and more mature individual.

I want to start out in my first blog by introducing the "Cracked but not Broken" name I have given myself. Like most girls my age I have had my share of heartbreaks and breakups. Of course I have been in love and have been crushed in the process. Since then I have been a bitter woman despising every man I have come into contact with. I am slowly getting through this process through trial and error. This, however is not the meaning behind the name, though at first I thought it was the inspiration for it. I am cracked because I have fallen short of the glory of God and I am a sinner. My soul is cracked, but God refuses me to be Broken.

Everyone has scars. They are permanent and there to remind you of where you have been and of your past experiences. It is up to you however on how you choose to act on those memories. Do you hold them against everyone and put the blame on everyone, or do you learn and become stronger? I love to think of the movie Madea Goes to Jail there is a scene in which they speak about forgiveness. Who is forgiveness for? It is for YOU not the other person. You are the one still obsessed with what happened and the one who is tortured with it.

To use an example of my own I will talk about my birth father. Although he walked out on me, never sent me a card, or called me up on the phone for fifteen years, I have forgiven him finally. For years I was bitter and I blamed all my failed relationships on him and that every heartbreak and bad thing that happened in my life was due to him. I was angry and it took me until not too many years ago to forgive him. Why did I decided to? I realized that he wasn't hurting, it was only me. Sure he messed up, but haven't we all and aren't we all going to? I realized that it is not due to HIM that I can't hold onto a relationship, it is because I hadn't tried to have a relationship with the most important man in my life... Jesus. So for the past 2 years I have dedicated myself to my relationship to him and since then forgiveness has come and gone and instead of being a suicidal, demon-possessed, unhappy individual, I am now a princess living in an enchanted place where yes it is not always happily ever after, but for once my glass is half full.