Letting the Past Go

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I have always been severely insecure and has always been the center of most of my problems. Today I came accross an exert from a book talking about insecurity, and that everyone has it. Even those who don't seem like they do. This past year has been hard. My insecurities have taken over my life and have taken away all the joy I thought I once had.
I was born the middle child and like most people with 'middle child syndrome' I always craved attention, I was needy whiney picky.. I would do anything to get attention even if the attention I was receiving was negative. . I never felt as a child that I was treated as fairly as my other sisters (now I know this to be false) and was always envious of their successes and compared them to what I didn't have. I was filled with so much jealousy of my sisters that it began to define me. I was constantly comparing myself and trying to measure up to them. Quite honestly I remember telling my mom on several occasions when I was around 8 years old that "you just don't love me as much as you love them". i think back now and try to remember instances that had happened to make me come to this conclusion. I was always in trouble I remember getting in trouble and always feeling bad about myself. I only got in trouble at home though. I got along at school and did very well. I started when I was 3 because I would beg my mom to let me go to school with my sissy. I loved my sisters even though I was so jealous of them. There is something about a sister that is so special and to this day I don't know what I would do without mine. The problem was that I was the "black sheep" of the family. I guess every family has one, but I hated that I was it. I didn't like to be different. I always wanted to fit in and have everyones approval and for everyone to be happy. t as the years went on I felt everything I ever did was wrong. I never felt accepted and I rarely I was the rebellious child. I got in more trouble than all three of my brother and sisters combined. I was always experimenting with things, always trying to fit in and would do pretty much anything to win everyones approval. I was a fantastic actress to say the least. I had everyone fooled... I even got so good that I began believing that I was all of these different characters I was playing. I would go home and be one person, but when I was with my friends I was show they wanted me to be and so on. I was doing anything to gain approval from someone so that I would feel the satisfaction of getting attention and being someone wanted to be like.
As I grew up a lot of changes and things happened that have been essential to who I have become but to make my story short I will say that I was the odd ball of my family out even when I graduated from high school and the only people who cared about, loved or understood me were my friends. My senior year was filled with a lot of regrets that I am not proud of and wish I could erase them from my memory. I had a break down during spring break of my senor year which cased me to make a drastic last minute change to go to an out of state school instead of Auburn where i always wanted to go to. It was an emotional decision for me. I made my decision on how I felt in the moment. I have always been like that and have had a hard time with making emotional decisions and it sometimes makes me feel spontaneous while other times i feel so foolish. Its hard to say the exact emotion I felt when I decided to move four hours away to Ole Miss I had only even visited once and didn't know a single person. I didn't know the town, or the environment. I didn't know the traditions or even what they had to offer, but in an emotional breakdown I decided I needed to start over. I felt in the moment that the best thing to do was to go somewhere where no one knew me and I could finally be happy with my real self.... and maybe actually find out what my true identity was.
The year and a half I lived in Oxford, MS i learned a lot. I grew up as an individual, I discovered what I truly loved and the person I tuly was. I felt complete happiness and finally had my first boyfriend. This is the part of the story I really hate to tell. While I dated Justin I was the happiest I had ever been. I finally had self confidence and truly believed that I was worth something to someone. The year I spent with him was rocky and emotional and since I had never been in a relationship before it was very difficult for me to adjust. Never the less I fell in love with him. I lobed everything about him, but the best thing was that he never put me down. He always knew what to say to life me up. If my mom called with a criticism he would have a positive compliment to throw back and over ride it. I was finally good enough. Then the unexplainable happened that changed me such a bitter horrible way that it will probably affect me my entire life. Justin cheated on me with his ex. An ex who I never knew existed I found out a web of lies and I felt so betrayed. Here I thought I had found the one person who would stand by me and love me (which he never said back to me). He was the one I loved to be with and everytime i heard his name I felt joy rushing through my body. I remember the night I found out like it was yesterday. I didn't cry, or yell or really do anything. I was in a state of tremendous shock that I couldn't react at all. It took me a week to even realize how upset I was. I have never in my life been so upset and felt so worthless. He broke me to pieces and I couldn't pick myself up. All the friends I had I lost. I became suspisious of everyone betraying me. I got to a point to where I couldn't even get out of bed. It sounds crazy and stupid now and its like im one of those psycho girls.. but this was my first relationship, the first time I ever felt cared about. He was my gateway to happiness and it was a good run. Three years later I can finally type this without crying or having an emotional pain circulate through my veins, but it has been a long road for me to get here.
After me and Justin were through and I had been depressed for as long as I could before I wanted to kill myself I made a decision to make my own happiness. I compared myself to people I thought were the happiest and compared myself to them. I came to the conclusion that all my problems revolved around my weight. It was no surprise Ive alsways had weight issues and its been the cause of many breakdowns throughout. But in my mind I decided that if I could get skinny enough Justin would want to take me back and everything would be fine again. That was the start of a lot of problems. I began with a simple diet and increasing exercise. It wasn't long until I realized how fast I could lose weight. It was my obsession. I forgot about school, I forgot about my friends and family and everything else. Everyday revolved around when and what I was going to eat and how much I was going to be able exercise that day. As my weight loss started to slow I decreased the food and increased my exercise. It wasn't until i was working out 4 hours and day and eating no more than 300 calories a day that I starting feeling proud of myself. This was difficult to do and not people would be able to be this commited to doing something. I had more compliments and remarks from more people than ever. It wasn't hard to get away with my crazy routine because i alienated myself from everyone and everything. After two months I had lost 60 pounds. After that I couldn't gain an ounce. I then tried to completly cut my calories out by throwing up if I even had an apple. Although I felt aweful and sick everyday and had absoultly no energy, I was happy. I felt accomplished and I felt that everyone was wrong about me all of these years.
After I lost the weight I specifically set myself up to run into Justin. I played it off so well and next thing I knew he was calling me and asking to come over and wanting to talk about things... blah blah blah. One night he got in his car and drove to my house where he called me and texted for an hour until I came out. He wanted me back, but there was a catch... he wanted his girlfriend too. Since I was willing to settle for any company at the time I decided that if I could just be around him he will eventually chose me over her and my life would be complete.
For about a month we had a secret relationship. I couldn't let people know that i was talking to the boy who cheated on me and now had a girlfriend. I was honestly embarrased to tell anyone. I was lying to everyone trying to cover my tracks, and as horrible and twisted as it sounds, I had found that happiness again.. I no longer starved myself but instead decided to try and maintain.. and for a month everything was good... except I gained 10 pounds back on. Thats when everything spiraled out of control. It was one night when I decided to stay over at his house because it was so late and I was tired. Right when I got ready for bed he went outside to talk on the phone.. it was samantha his girlfriend.. I heard what he told and said to her and it made me cringe... He came back in the room, kissed me and said that he was keeping his phone connected with her so they could listen to eachother sleep. Let me just say I am not stupid, and I know that I brought this on myself. I asked to be hurt again by saying yes in the first place. I cried the entire night as I layed next to him. He never even noticed.
I had to be done with this because he not only made me feel the happiest he also made me feel foolish, crazy, used, betrayed, and feel the worst emotions. I cried more over that boy in a day than i did in a year. The second time seemed different I had other games I played and I still lived my life. But the pain was always there and anywhere I went in that town made me think of him. I decided to transfer to Auburn.
With the move came my eating disorder. It would get severe and then not so severe. It was to a point where it was just normal. But then I got sick, I was passing out having a hard time studying and not sleeping. I looked in the mirror and I looked like I was a dying patient. Everyone started to notice and it was embarrasing. it still is to this day a problem. I have relapsed 4 times and I now have to take a lot of medication to make up for how bad i screwed up my body. Today I started a new exercise and diet plan. This time is different.. I am finally letting the past go and going to start to feel good about myself in a way that is healthy and effective.