Forgiveness: It is so hard

Isn't it amazing how one event in your day can ruin your whole attitude and mood and determine if it is horrible or good. Today has been a horrible day, although it didn't start that way. It started out perfect the sun was up early so I got a workout in early and got to listen to the birds chirping and breath in the fresh air. I was able to be so productive and everything was falling into place. Class even got out early which never happens, so how could this day go wrong. One phone call is all it took. What is amazing to me is that right before this "phone call" I was actually talking to a girl sitting next to me about a bible study group she wanted me to join with her and we discussed Christ and the impact he has had on our lives. The demons were obviously not happy because not two minutes after I walked away did my phone ring. It was my mother. Like a lot of girls I have had problems with my mom and we have not always gotten along. Recently though she has turned into a beast and has been so hateful, judgmental, and out of control. Well to make a long story short she cussed me out, accused me of being a liar, and being the most ungrateful person she has ever known. I was so upset at first but now I am really angry about it. Yes, I was sort of wrong in the situation and I apologized and tried to me christian like, but then she kept on going... Why is it that this had to happen today? Normally when a situation like this happens I would call family members and complain and rant about it. Like I have said before though I am a changed woman. After hanging up the phone with tears in my eyes I bowed my head and prayed for my forgiveness and prayed for her. I am still angry, but I know I will be able to forgive and forget now that Christ is my go to person. I hope that things will get better soon, but they rarely do with her, and I am even considering not going home for Easter and going to a service here by myself instead of with my family. I know it sounds wrong, but I am so hurt by her. How can such a christian woman do this to her daughter? Even through difficult days I find strength through Jesus and in one of my favorite parables: The parable of the unmerciful Servant:

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants." Matthew 18:21-23

Imagine

Imagine a world without God. As I stepped out of my apartment today I was immediately greeted by a warm smile from a friendly neighbor, the sun was glistening and the birds were singing and for a moment I stopped and thanked God for what he has given to us. Though today was a hectic and chaotic day (as most Monday's are) I still found the time to appreciate this beautiful day. Sometimes I find it hard to do. I get so caught up in my own life and wants and forget to take the time to stop and love the world around me, and a lot of times I forget what's important. A lot of times I focus on my grades, getting a job, and how much money I'm going to make in the future, I get so caught up in all the expectations people put on me that I forget that none of it matters in the long run. I don't know of any examples where money makes anyone happy. Sure it makes like easier and at times the luxuries that you can receive from money are quite pleasant. Though happiness is not derived from it, it's more like a band-aid, as I am getting older and becoming less ignorant about how life works and the value of a dollar I know that making a good living is important and there is nothing that is going to stop me from trying to reach my full potential. God knows what will make me happiest, though this may include money or not, and only HE can make me fully fulfilled. I am very imperfect and I have made plenty of bad choices in my life that were selfish and not what God wanted me to do and deep down I knew it wasn't right, but I needed the immediate pleasure and happiness I got from those choices. They say patience is a virtue, and I believe that it is the hardest one for me to get. Now after about four years of poor decisions I have finally figured out that if I just wait, God will give it to me. Can you imagine your life without God? I have no idea what I would do if I hadn't come to the realization that I am not in control of my life. Either God is or Satan is and you have the choice. Yes, I am guilty of so many things that I am ashamed of and wish I could take back, but now that I have given my life BACK to God my life is falling perfectly into place.

Psalm 37:7-9
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm. For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.

Ignorance Is a Bliss

The older I get the more I tend to look back. Back to when things were simpler and easier. As I grow up and begin to blossom into the woman that I hope to someday become I find myself not wanting to. To be honest I am scared. Scared that I won't make the right decisions along the way and afraid that I will suffer like I have for the past years. I feel as though people are so cruel these days, but is it just "these days"? I can remember growing up and not having a care in the world. The worst thing that could happen in a day was that I'd be called a dummy or scrape my knee on the playground. Now I find myself hurt all the time and unhappy with the way my life is. I spend so many hours of the day studying and pleasing people and planning. Is this what my life is going to be? I have always wanted to serve others, but in that is it necessary for me to undergo all these years of school and pressure, and rejection? I used to love going to school, talking with adults, and even going to church. Now I have found that everything I have trusted in the past I have to reconsider my options, because people aren't what they seem. It's really sad that I cannot trust my elementary teacher, because they just got convicted as being a pedophile, or my family member who just committed suicide, which was so unexpected. I have always said that lying is the worst thing someone could do to me, and that the truth is the only thing I want to hear. Is this because for the first years of my life thats all I knew where lies? Santa, Easter-bunny, Tooth-fairy, those are all things children are told to believe in I was also not told things as a child that I am now finding out about my own family. Now all my dreams have started to shatter, my mom isn't who I thought she was, she's not perfect neither are my best friends or anyone I know for that matter. I know nothing will ever change this, but wasn't it nice when everything was done for you, and you were clueless as to how much hurt and horrible stuff out there? I would rather be ignorant than have to deal with the battles that are going on just like I was at my absolute happiest moment.

And It Begins

I am not the type of person to write anything down about my feelings. I never kept a diary for more than two days, and nothing personal is ever written down. I used to dread writing creative writing essays in high school because I was never good at saying what it was I was thinking. My feelings and words don't seem to mesh as I'd like to, and I am also scatter brained as many Americans are. I do not consider myself an extremely deep person and I feel that my business is mine until I share it with someone, or besides who really cares about ME? So you ask, why then start a blog? Hopefully by reading my blogs you can decide for yourself why I chose to being putting my life into words...

I have lived an enchanting life. Pretty much everything has been handed to me. In the past 21 years I have been blessed with a great family, amazing friends, necessities, and of course many luxuries. I have an incredible passion for my future career, and I know I have been placed on earth to help and serve others. Unfortunately though, I have only recently discovered this.

Like everyone else I have had my ups and downs and the past couple of years have been a roller-coaster of them. I could tell you my life story but that would take too long and be way to unimportant. I am not the same person I was before. I started my life over about two years ago, and since then I have had my slip ups and I have resorted to my past ways, but now I am a stronger and more mature individual.

I want to start out in my first blog by introducing the "Cracked but not Broken" name I have given myself. Like most girls my age I have had my share of heartbreaks and breakups. Of course I have been in love and have been crushed in the process. Since then I have been a bitter woman despising every man I have come into contact with. I am slowly getting through this process through trial and error. This, however is not the meaning behind the name, though at first I thought it was the inspiration for it. I am cracked because I have fallen short of the glory of God and I am a sinner. My soul is cracked, but God refuses me to be Broken.

Everyone has scars. They are permanent and there to remind you of where you have been and of your past experiences. It is up to you however on how you choose to act on those memories. Do you hold them against everyone and put the blame on everyone, or do you learn and become stronger? I love to think of the movie Madea Goes to Jail there is a scene in which they speak about forgiveness. Who is forgiveness for? It is for YOU not the other person. You are the one still obsessed with what happened and the one who is tortured with it.

To use an example of my own I will talk about my birth father. Although he walked out on me, never sent me a card, or called me up on the phone for fifteen years, I have forgiven him finally. For years I was bitter and I blamed all my failed relationships on him and that every heartbreak and bad thing that happened in my life was due to him. I was angry and it took me until not too many years ago to forgive him. Why did I decided to? I realized that he wasn't hurting, it was only me. Sure he messed up, but haven't we all and aren't we all going to? I realized that it is not due to HIM that I can't hold onto a relationship, it is because I hadn't tried to have a relationship with the most important man in my life... Jesus. So for the past 2 years I have dedicated myself to my relationship to him and since then forgiveness has come and gone and instead of being a suicidal, demon-possessed, unhappy individual, I am now a princess living in an enchanted place where yes it is not always happily ever after, but for once my glass is half full.